dichotomy

i'm not a good person, really. i have moments of being good that outnumber my bad moments, but that's not the same as being a good person.

when i do petty, stupid shit, i realize how pathetic and insecure i am. and i wonder why? why, when most of the time i feel fine and i do fine and i behave maturely and do the right thing, why does that just completely slip away sometimes? where does it go? which is the real me? the saving grace is that my actions never hurt anyone but myself, which of course becomes even more confusing.

why do i seem to lash out at myself? what am i afraid of?

am i a motivated, intelligent, mature adult or a pathetic, desperate insecure little baby? when i exhibit behavioural proof of both tendencies, which one is the most truthful representation of my personality?

and why can't i answer that