terrible nature

is it human nature to be more miserable because someone else is happy?
i mean is it normal to feel bad all on your own, and then suddenly worse when you find out someone you have no contact with is now doing all the things they were supposed to do with you?
i think it is. i hope it is. i want it to be.

but it's all shit. i don't want to feel bad, and i don't want anyone else to feel bad, i want everything to go on hunky dory, everyone enjoying their lives, living the way they have always aspired to live.

but then i hear that you are going on vacation, while i continue to drone on- an overworking self absorbed asshole who can't seem to break out- and i want to cry. and the real kicker is that i'm crying for myself. poor me.

i guess that's the lesson, it's more about me than you. it always was. i said i am self absorbed. it was always about me being unhappy with my own shit. it never had anything to do with you. i think that's the one thing that should comfort me.

i should just aim to laugh at my total ineptitude on how to make myself happy. it should become my greatest accomplishment and i should revel in it

huzzah for me, perpetual self loather!

that actually made me laugh. fucking huzzah